The Money

16 Apr

This post is from my Substack, where I’m posting new material.

**

Wake up, said the money. I need you to do something.

Already?

He’d been unemployed ten days. He’d saved half a million dollars. He’d dreamed for nine years. Every day. Please let them fire me. They did.

That day he went to his Google Spreadsheet and looked at the money. Stocks had dipped. The money was $499,908.

No matter.

$164,845 was in retirement accounts. Untouchable without penalty. Of the rest, $143,259 was invested. Securities that should grow. Untouchable without losing.

$191,802 was uninvested cash. Annual expenses $76,568. If he earned no money whatsoever. If his unemployment claim were rejected. If no stock nor bond ever yielded another dividend. He could live comfortably, without touching investments, for 2.54 years.

927 days, 2 hours

And 24 minutes

She’s pregnant, said the money. Continue reading →

The Chicken

28 Mar

I now post new content on my Substack. It’s $5 a month.

**

I knew a Mexican girl who wanted to make a man love her. She went to a witch who sacrificed a chicken. She paid $200.

The witch went to the Chinese poultry store. She lit a circle of candles in the park at night. She cut the chicken’s neck with a razor. Murmuring incantations under the moon. Great spirits, take away what lies between them. The chicken thrashed around and bled out. Continue reading →

Ten Years of Sobriety

27 Feb

I used to drink every day by myself. I’ve been sober ten years. I did it by going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Helping others stay sober. Working the 12 steps with my sponsor. It’s the best thing I ever did. You should do it too. God is real.

What else. I don’t think about sobriety anymore. It’s not a struggle. I like being sober.

But I gotta write something for it. Like I had to put on the same gay outfit as my brothers and pose for my stepmom’s Christmas card. A special occasion. Gotta go take cakes at meetings per my sponsor’s direction. Tell other alcoholics how I did it. Continue reading →

The Bear, Part 1

30 Jan

I’m posting new OC on Substack. I’ve been entertaining you free for 12 years. You owe me thousands of dollars. Subscribe now.

I met her at Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Continue reading →

It’s All Right to Be Unhappy

28 Dec

Merry Christmas. I’m now posting new content on my Substack, including new fiction. It’s $5 a month if you join for a year. I’ll keep reposting some stuff here, once a month.

It’s all right to be unhappy.

Good looking good shape lots of money. Not bald. You can still be unhappy. Continue reading →

The New Barbarians

30 Nov

The homeless made it to my block. In a Mad Max caravan. Blue 90’s V8 Dodge Ram truck. Windows covered with those foil sunshades. A Winnebago. Both with bike frames and bike wheels on racks on the roof and chained up in carts behind them. Parked out by the grocery store.

I said hi to the main guy yesterday. Little dark man. Full beard. Mexican but eyes crazy like a New Guinea headhunter. Teenage looking Toltec girlfriend and the Winnebago’s full of cardboard and plastic bags. People going in and out partying. They have a kid. A little girl. And I don’t.

His girlfriend. I get half hard even glancing at her. Woman’s hottest traits are youth and poverty. Continue reading →

The Prophet

25 Oct

A note on the site:

I’m still going to post here, but I’m posting most new material on the Substack first. It’s $5 a month if you sign up for a year.

I knew a poet who converted to Orthodox Judaism. Litvak, the Ben Shapiro kind where you wear a suit and yarmulke. Not the big forelocks. But you still can’t turn off the lights on Saturday.

He’d always been looking for something. God’s the thing you’re looking for. First you try everything else. He got into Jordan Peterson. Before God got to him. Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Then a cool rabbi moved to the East Side and hosted dinner parties. Young people want to get married. They’d meet each other at the rabbi’s house. Continue reading →

Goodbye Woodrow

17 Sep

He was a wild cat. He lived in the yard when I moved in. And I’d see him up on the neighbor’s roof. Stalking around the grass. Handsome. I’d ask around. I needed a cat. Do you know who owns that gray cat. The neighbors said he was feral. Continue reading →

Wherever You Go, Pain Follows

30 Aug

https://www.thesprucepets.com/thmb/ieZCYNeJYqbMZp3NaQ7weLTOtCI=/2121x0/filters:no_upscale():strip_icc()/AiredaleGettyImages-495187742NateDogg85-80f7db503239497bbac165c8187f90ba.jpg

My friend called me upset. He has random gay sex in the park at night. Sometimes in the daytime too. At 3AM or on lunch break, men in your town congregate in some agreed upon spot by the river. Or a certain bathroom in the mall, and so forth. To have unprotected sex with strangers. Then they go home to their wives.

Continue reading →

Dream Number 8

31 Jul

A girl sent me her pictures. A girl wrote me saying I’m going to school near you in the fall. And I think I’m your type. I love your writing. Asked if she could send a picture. I should have said no. But I didn’t. Continue reading →

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